Changes ?

Oh Lord . I found out some new things that really surprised me today. I was introduced to a friend's blog today. I've know her for all of this year but I heard she had an interesting blog so i asked if I could read it and she said okay. Because she is a close friend, I read every single entry and read between every single lines. she's been writing since April of 2009 so it was alot of entries to read. I understood everything she's been through. I thought I knew her pretty well but when I read it. Omg, I found out somethings about her that were so ....shocking. I never knew she went through so much and done so many things that were just unhealthy.

Now I know for sure that I'm not the only one who's gone through that type of stuff. But, the only question I have now is: am I the only one that had never gotten through this whole depression thing? or is it just me that it's taking forever to leave from . I now know over four or five people that have been depressed and only one out of those hand full know about all the issues I have. all those people I know have gotten better including the one that knows about me. I just feel like their is no hope at all for me.

My bestfriend had felt this way for along time and it even began before me and she's gotten so far in her evolvment with getting over it and I just feel like I'm stuck. the situation was open to everyone in my family ( by accident ) and it's like no one takes me seriously. I was just listened to and ignored. by my own mother. My mother. Honestly, I feel like if your mother or your parent doesn't love you like you want them to.. its just going to be hard moving on with that hurling on your shoulders forever.

Of course, I did some things that I'm not proud of doing during this process and I've stopped. I stopped hurting myself. I stopped writing. I started crying. I just stopped doing anything that made me feel alive. . But now there's nothing to satisfy me to make me feel ... not dead.

The people or person that could be the one could help me has no damn time for me. She's always doing something or going to do something. sometimes I just can't watch people move one and keep going and I'm just stuck in the same damn place I was in like last year. I don't like change but it'd be nice if I could just not fake happy anymore.

I'm going to end this crap right here because now I'm crying and I think someone's going to ask me the same infinite question: 'what's wrong?' . I seriously dont like that question because I can never answer it . . . . .